In a bold new position paper issued on Thursday, the final day of the Democratic blah blah blah blah blah I am sick of this cockamamie thing already, Democrats made a proposal that was hailed by observers all across the political spectrum, from ultra-liberal Democrats to ultra-ultra-liberal Democrats: mandatory abortions for everybody. Including men.
Republicans seemed close to agreeing, as long as one conservative condition was tacked on: That nobody ever have sex. Ever. At all.
Republicans also came out of hiding long enough to make another proposal: that “Big Government” get off our backs and pass a law decreeing that only poor people pay taxes. In addition, they announced a change in their Official Campaign Slogan, which moderate party members felt was a bit harsh: “Democrats smell like doody.”
The new slogan will be, “Republicans: At least we’re not diseased vermin like some parties.”
Meanwhile, as the reporter who isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions, I continued my Unconventional Convention Quiz. Today’s question: “What would you do if you found out your dog was a Republican?”
Edgar Baker Phillips, a delegate from the Virgin Islands: “I’d put some arsenic in his food.”
California delegate Bruce Hamilton: “I’d take him to the Humane Society and trade him in.”
Sharon Davis, a Texas delegate: “I’d check his credentials before I got him in the first place, because I’d never have a Republican dog. But dogs are smarter than Republicans.”
One humorous note: Two delegates were doing the backstroke in a soufflé pan, and one …
FLASH: We interrupt this item for a special bulletin. Senior GOP strategists have just announced that the party’s new slogan actually will be: “Republicans – The other white meat.”
We now return you to the regular item, already in progress.
… and Biden said, “My hat? I thought it was your hat!”
Anyway, there was a much more important question to deal with Thursday, namely, why I didn’t get to go to the President’s speech. I mean, I had a ticket, thanks to kind friends.
The speech, of course, was moved from Bank of America Stadium, which seats, like, a million, to Time-Warner Cable Arena, which seats 12 for Bobcats games. If the Bobcats could draw 12.
But why was it moved? I asked a top-level Democratic Party spokesman whom I can’t identify because I made him up, and he said the speech was moved because of expected bad weather. And whose fault was the weather?
Of course. Dang those Republicans.