On the banks of the Moscow River, standing tall, a gleaming white edifice, the site of the 1991 Russian resistance, where Boris Yeltsin climbed atop a tank and stood up against a Soviet military coup, is the Russian White House - the “Bely Dom” on the Krasnopresnenskaya Embankment.
Unbeknownst to most is that they, too, have an annual correspondents dinner. It is lesser known because it is held in an undisclosed location, in a bunker near Gorky Park. The few surviving Russian White House correspondents gather to celebrate their dwindling numbers, giving scholarships to the families of “missing” and defenestrated journalists.
This year’s guest speaker was comedian Wolf Sheepovich Michellovskaya. As always, it was held on May Day, International Workers Day, and portions were surreptitiously recorded. President Vladimir Putin was not in attendance, off instead to Sevastopol to celebrate the holiday in a springtime pageant and parade in his honor.
The following are excerpts from the Russian WHCD event:
“Zdrastvootie!
Welcome to Vova and Sasha, our two remaining independent journalists, to what surely will be their last year of this annual event. By the way, tonight, you cannot shut me up unless you have Michael Cohen wire me 130,000,000 rubles.
I just flew in from a torturous visit to the Gulag and, boy, are my arms tired.
(Cymbal crash)
You know, they say that Vladimir Putin goes shirtless because he comes from such humble backgrounds and is very poor. But I think he is really, really rich. You know how rich he is?
(Vova and Sasha yell out “How rich is he?”)
He is so rich, his personal property stretches eleven time zones. Even at night...
Putin is so rich…
(Vova and Sasha again call out “How rich is he?”)
Putin’s gold bars filled up so many London and Zurich bank vaults, he has to keep his new wealth in Moscow.
Do you want to know how rich Putin is?
(Vova and Sasha oblige by asking “How rich is he?”)
The president is so rich his dacha palace makes the American leader’s gilded apartment building look like “Frump Tower.”
It’s not all fun and games at the Kremlin, however. There are always pesky foreigners who insist on the occasional press conference or are asking “factual” questions. People from the failing New York Times, for example, who want to know things like “did Putin really tell Trump he ‘did not meddle’ in the 2016 presidential election?”
Thankfully, we have Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov, who for the last six years has tried to explain the most basic “facts” to these foreigners. Like when he is asked “If Putin is so powerful, can he create a rock so big that He himself cannot lift it?”
The answer, of course, is that “Putin can do anything,” as the ultimately believable, but winking smokey-eyed Peskov always says. Not to make fun of his appearance, but must he have ground-crawling caterpillars on his lip to replicate a mustache? Just kidding. Really.
Speaking of kidding...
Everyone book their ticket to Oslo for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, which is sure to go to our president for life and all around nice guy for his hard work electing Donald J. Trump. Who knew that an American lawyer lady sending emails would lose the election because a Russian lawyer lady was giving emails to Donny Jr.? Putin knew. That’s who. The result? America let’s Russia get away with everything from Ukraine to Syria, Trump Tower to Michigan. What a world! Peace in our time.
But seriously, folks, I just want to say how sad it is that this year’s event marks a serious loss. We no longer are able to have General Mike Flynn or presidential candidate Jill Stein come to these events and they are no longer accepting our honoraria. In fact, the ranks of our attendees are fewer and fewer ever since RT had to list itself under America’s Foreign Agents Registration Act.
Paul Manafort, too, has sent his regrets, but made sure to Telegram us a short message. It reads: “Friends, I really, really, really wish I could be there with you, but I am currently tied up back home and need to attend to some legal matters. Please make sure to drink a ‘fifth’ of Vodka in honor of my taking the ‘Fifth.’ Signed, Russia’s undying servant and comrade, Pauli.”
One piece of good news. Our invitation has gone out for next year’s event to special guest Omarosa Manigault Newman, who it is rumored will be replacing General John F. Kelly as American White House chief of staff.
Let’s close this May Day evening with a rousing rendition of the Internationale and my favorite stanza:
“Let no one build walls to divide us
Walls of hatred nor walls of stone”
Nostrovia!
Markos Kounalakis, Ph.D. is a senior fellow at Central European University and visiting fellow at the Hoover Institution. Contact him at markos@stanford.edu or on Twitter @KounalakisM.