I want to start with a retraction and an apology. My previous Super Bowl column, which offered tips for visitors to Miami, deeply offended some readers, who informed me that: (a) I am hurting Miami's image; (b) I am an idiot racist piece of lowlife no-talent scum; and (c) they did not mean this in a good way.
OK. Let me first stress to our Super Bowl visitors that in my column I was just "kidding around" by attempting to make jokes using ridiculous statements about Miami that are completely untrue. I hereby retract all of those statements. These are the facts:
1. Miami is totally safe.
2. There are taxis galore!
3. The drivers here are courteous and law-abiding.
4. Especially on Interstate 95 and the Palmetto Expressway.
5. Miami's mass-transit system is very convenient, and it is not true that last July 20 during rush hour two men boarded the downtown Metromover carrying a six-foot nurse shark that was still alive.
6. There is plenty of available parking on South Beach, where the clubs feature affordable drinks in an atmosphere of quiet, soothing music.
7. The snakes in the Everglades are petite.
8. As are the Kardashian sisters' butts.
Finally, I want to say to any fellow Miamians whom I offended: I'm sorry, OK? I love Miami! It's the greatest city in the world, with the friendliest people! Please don't kill me.
To read the complete column, visit www.miamiherald.com.